Who will be the new Fire Chief?

 Jean Stothert says she wants a new fire chief. The fire chief hasn't even been fired and she already has people she is thinking about.

The Reuben Press has the mayors short list of people she wants to become the new chief. In no order, we break down all 3 people on the short list

#1. Jim Flowers - "He is a chief right?" said Stothert. "So he is a perfect choice."

 Pros: Jim know what it is like to talk in public. He has passion for his job and knows radar and    sirens.  He is living proof of the phrase.... liar, liar pants and fire.

Cons: He like hookers.

#2.  Jean Stothert - "I would be great," said Stothert. "I'm always putting out fires

Pros: She would be the best dressed fire chief in Omaha history. She likes water.

Cons: When she opens her mouth, sometimes she breathes out fire. You can't fight fire with fire.

#3. A Monkey - "I've always said that even a monkey can do the job better," said Stothert.

Pro: Well, everything. Stothert might be right for once. The fire chief wouldn't talk back. The monkey could swing from tree to tree to rescue cats.

Cons: The monkey might trade fire hoses for bananas.

Jean Stothert + Fire Chief = Love Letters?

Omaha Mayor Jean Stothert and Fire Chief Mike McDonnell are at it again on disagreements over the city budget and the fire budget. Seems even thought both know technology has advanced and normal people communicate through text message and email, both are sending each other letters back and forth. The Reuben Press has obtained a copy of all the letters sent in the last couple days.



Stothert: All the directors, including the fire chief, on Monday morning  are free to talk to the media about the budget.

(response) McDonnell: Until I get written approval from your office, I will not talk to anyone about the new budget.

(response) Stothert: Do what you want. I am not going to give you written permission. This isn't a joke. Besides, I'm running out of "WORLD BEST MAYOR" letterhead.

(response) McDonnell : If you need to borrow some letterhead, I think your husband might have some leftover. BOOM!

(response) Stothert: I'm rubber, your glue. Whatever you say bounces off of me, because I live in West O.

(response) McDonnell: Have you tried the Hamburgers at Dinkers?

(response) Stothert: Is it in West O? If not, then hell no.

(response) McDonnell: This has been fun. Letter writing is a lost art.

(response) Stothert: You are right, but this is a lot of paper. I don't want any of these stacks to catch on fire.

                                                                    -END-

Woman who poesed nude pleads not guity: Her Boobs are happy!

Valerie Dodds pleaded not guilty for indecent exposure. She was arrested for posing nude outside Pius X High School. She came to court today with nothing on but a tube top and chapstick. She then told the judge what she was pleading and jumped up and down.

"I was so happy I was making my point." said Dodds "I was so happy that I was jumping up and down and making a pouty face.  My boobs were so happy from me jumping up and down, it looked like they were clapping. And I know a lot about the clap."

James Martin Davis Sued Himself

James Martin Davis sued himself today. This came as shocking news to James Martin Davis since he didn't know that he was suing himself.

"I noticed that James Martin Davis was in need of an attorney," said James Martin Davis. "So after I sued myself, I also decided to defended myself."

Davis decided to sue himself after he tripped outside his house in his driveway. Noticing that he was a victim of a crime, he then put in the paper work to sue himself. Then noticing that he was playing the victim of the victim of a crime, he decided he was the right guy as well for the defense team .

"I am always a champion for the little guy. So when I noticed that James Martin Davis was the little guy, I took a shot as his attorney," said James Martin Davis.

It is said that Davis fell in his driveway when he spotted a ambulance and tried to chase it.

Dogs That Look Like Omaha Mayors

    
                                                  Jean Stothert

                                                             Jim Suttle

 






                                                             Hal Daub 

 

 

                                                             Mike Fahey

 

    Mike Boyle 

Woman Thought She Saw Jean Stothert in Midtown

A woman was mistaken when you thought she saw Omaha mayor Jean Stothert in Midtown last Sunday. The Woman was enjoying some tea and pasta salad at Delice, when she thought she saw the mayor.

"I thought I saw Jean Stothert," said Jackie Millard. "There was this lady at the counter with tall helmet like blond hair and a slimming dress on. She was telling the girl behind the counter how to do her job, so I just thought it was Jean Stothert. I always saw Suttle down her, so I thought  it was a mayor hot spot. Then I realized that she wouldn't be caught dead in midtown."

Millard then came to the understanding that the lady that was there was the owner and was angry at the girl working.

"She really had me fooled, said Millard. "She even had a little lisp in her voice like the mayor."

New Rules for Old Market Street Performers

Seems that the city has come out with new rules for those street performers you see in the Old Market. Anyone that knows downtown in the Old Market knows that on the corner, street performers like to show off and earn some extra cash.  A recent trip to the Old Market shows that there are new rules for these folks. Seem like you must qualify to these rules.


Rule 1: You can play a guitar in the Old Market. Don't worry though, you don't have to play it well. 

Rule 2:  Bongo Drums or Large Weird Instruments that block peoples path when you are walking in the Old Market are also aloud. Again, you don't have to play them well.

Rule 3: You must look like either a hipster that won't shave off his beard or a girl that wants to audition for American Idol.

Rule 4: You can play the saxophone, as long as you let  people do funny Film Noir references while they walk by.

Rule 5: A creepy balloon animal guy.

Judging by The Reuben Presses last trip to the Old Market, everyone is following the rules just fine.