Tuesday, July 30, 2013

Ask a Person Arrested Poll: What is your favorite area of Omaha?

The Reuben Press Asked these people arrested:What if your favorite area of Omaha?  Here is what they said?

"The Old Market. I like to eat at Spaghetti Works, stroll around the blocks, make fun of the street performers, and shank the bitch that was sleeping with my man. She hangs out Scooters/FNBO bank. Bitch steal WiFi like she does men."

"West Omaha!!!"

"I like Midtown Crossing. I love all the shops. There are a lot of young people that work there, so it is so easy to put a cashmere scarf in your purse. Then I wash it down by swallowing my pride and some Chick-Fa-La."

"I play Bongo Drums on this Balcony off of 29th and Jackson. I so piss of these guys that think they are so cool. I like to smoke pot!"

Monday, July 29, 2013

City Councilman Uses City Budget as Booster

Not everyone on the City Council can take a tall order. Some need a little boost in help. City Councilman, Ben Gray divulged his secret that he uses copies of Jean Stothert's city Budget as a booster seat.

"I sit on two copies," said Gray "Councilman, Chris Jerram gave me his. He said there wasn't enough pictures this year. He is right. One year, Suttle gave us the budget in form of a pop up book. I just put them on my chair and sit on them. It is kind of like when I was younger and sat on the Sears and Roebuck catalogs."

City Councilwoman, Aimee Melton said, "What's a catalog?"

Thursday, July 25, 2013

Fire Station Budget Cuts

                         Here is what The Mayor's Fire Station Budget Cuts looked like today.

Man Confused about Spearmint Rhino

Brian Jones was confused the other day about the Gentleman's Club in Carter Lake called, Spearmint Rhino.

"I kept seeing billboards promoting something called, Spearmint Rhino," said Jones. "Forever, I thought that was a flavor of gum. Chew Spearmint Rhino after meals!!! I didn't know it was a Gentleman's Club. Now that I know what is, I feel like a fool. I guess it still could be gum. It would just leave a bad taste in you mouth. Like stripper glitter and shame. Oh, well!"

Tuesday, July 23, 2013

Breaking News: Photo of Little Girl in Ambulance Emailed to Mayor

                                                             BREAKING NEWS

A photo of a little girl wearing a mask while sitting in a ambulance was emailed to the mayor and news outlets. It is unclear why the girl was in the truck or where she got the mask. The only thing we know is the mayor's office and news outlets should blow this story out of proportion. More news when they do.

Conspiracy Theories on HOT Fire Station Pic

Over the last couple of days, a picture of a woman posing on fire trucks and with firemen has raised local eyebrows. An investigation is underway on why the woman would be in the fire station. Some have some conspiracy theories on why.

"I have a couple of theories on why the woman was at the fire station," said Carl Jerkins "One of my theories is that she thought Jim Flowers was the new fire chief. This could be true because she looks like a hooker."

Many don't think that theory has any traction and believe something else could be the cause.

Local conspiracy theory nut, Scott Chris said, "Woman were at the fire station all the time when Jim Suttle was in office. Where do you think the money from the restaurant tax went to? Cheep women and fast drugs. Shame how our tax dollars are being used."

There is one last theory that is making the rounds.

"It just can't be true," said George Burton "I heard that mayor Jean Stothert sent the woman there to set up the fire chief. This just can't be true. I need to know the truth. It is out there.

When asked if the last theory was right Stothert said. "Why would my friend's daughter, Brandy be at the fire station..... I mean, I have no idea who she is. We will found out why Brandy... I mean why the woman was there."

Thursday, July 18, 2013

Who will be the new Fire Chief?

 Jean Stothert says she wants a new fire chief. The fire chief hasn't even been fired and she already has people she is thinking about.

The Reuben Press has the mayors short list of people she wants to become the new chief. In no order, we break down all 3 people on the short list

#1. Jim Flowers - "He is a chief right?" said Stothert. "So he is a perfect choice."

 Pros: Jim know what it is like to talk in public. He has passion for his job and knows radar and    sirens.  He is living proof of the phrase.... liar, liar pants and fire.

Cons: He like hookers.

#2.  Jean Stothert - "I would be great," said Stothert. "I'm always putting out fires

Pros: She would be the best dressed fire chief in Omaha history. She likes water.

Cons: When she opens her mouth, sometimes she breathes out fire. You can't fight fire with fire.

#3. A Monkey - "I've always said that even a monkey can do the job better," said Stothert.

Pro: Well, everything. Stothert might be right for once. The fire chief wouldn't talk back. The monkey could swing from tree to tree to rescue cats.

Cons: The monkey might trade fire hoses for bananas.

Jean Stothert + Fire Chief = Love Letters?

Omaha Mayor Jean Stothert and Fire Chief Mike McDonnell are at it again on disagreements over the city budget and the fire budget. Seems even thought both know technology has advanced and normal people communicate through text message and email, both are sending each other letters back and forth. The Reuben Press has obtained a copy of all the letters sent in the last couple days.

Stothert: All the directors, including the fire chief, on Monday morning  are free to talk to the media about the budget.

(response) McDonnell: Until I get written approval from your office, I will not talk to anyone about the new budget.

(response) Stothert: Do what you want. I am not going to give you written permission. This isn't a joke. Besides, I'm running out of "WORLD BEST MAYOR" letterhead.

(response) McDonnell : If you need to borrow some letterhead, I think your husband might have some leftover. BOOM!

(response) Stothert: I'm rubber, your glue. Whatever you say bounces off of me, because I live in West O.

(response) McDonnell: Have you tried the Hamburgers at Dinkers?

(response) Stothert: Is it in West O? If not, then hell no.

(response) McDonnell: This has been fun. Letter writing is a lost art.

(response) Stothert: You are right, but this is a lot of paper. I don't want any of these stacks to catch on fire.


Wednesday, July 17, 2013

Woman who poesed nude pleads not guity: Her Boobs are happy!

Valerie Dodds pleaded not guilty for indecent exposure. She was arrested for posing nude outside Pius X High School. She came to court today with nothing on but a tube top and chapstick. She then told the judge what she was pleading and jumped up and down.

"I was so happy I was making my point." said Dodds "I was so happy that I was jumping up and down and making a pouty face.  My boobs were so happy from me jumping up and down, it looked like they were clapping. And I know a lot about the clap."

Tuesday, July 16, 2013

James Martin Davis Sued Himself

James Martin Davis sued himself today. This came as shocking news to James Martin Davis since he didn't know that he was suing himself.

"I noticed that James Martin Davis was in need of an attorney," said James Martin Davis. "So after I sued myself, I also decided to defended myself."

Davis decided to sue himself after he tripped outside his house in his driveway. Noticing that he was a victim of a crime, he then put in the paper work to sue himself. Then noticing that he was playing the victim of the victim of a crime, he decided he was the right guy as well for the defense team .

"I am always a champion for the little guy. So when I noticed that James Martin Davis was the little guy, I took a shot as his attorney," said James Martin Davis.

It is said that Davis fell in his driveway when he spotted a ambulance and tried to chase it.

Monday, July 15, 2013

Dogs That Look Like Omaha Mayors

                                                  Jean Stothert

                                                             Jim Suttle


                                                             Hal Daub 



                                                             Mike Fahey

    Mike Boyle 

Woman Thought She Saw Jean Stothert in Midtown

A woman was mistaken when you thought she saw Omaha mayor Jean Stothert in Midtown last Sunday. The Woman was enjoying some tea and pasta salad at Delice, when she thought she saw the mayor.

"I thought I saw Jean Stothert," said Jackie Millard. "There was this lady at the counter with tall helmet like blond hair and a slimming dress on. She was telling the girl behind the counter how to do her job, so I just thought it was Jean Stothert. I always saw Suttle down her, so I thought  it was a mayor hot spot. Then I realized that she wouldn't be caught dead in midtown."

Millard then came to the understanding that the lady that was there was the owner and was angry at the girl working.

"She really had me fooled, said Millard. "She even had a little lisp in her voice like the mayor."

New Rules for Old Market Street Performers

Seems that the city has come out with new rules for those street performers you see in the Old Market. Anyone that knows downtown in the Old Market knows that on the corner, street performers like to show off and earn some extra cash.  A recent trip to the Old Market shows that there are new rules for these folks. Seem like you must qualify to these rules.

Rule 1: You can play a guitar in the Old Market. Don't worry though, you don't have to play it well. 

Rule 2:  Bongo Drums or Large Weird Instruments that block peoples path when you are walking in the Old Market are also aloud. Again, you don't have to play them well.

Rule 3: You must look like either a hipster that won't shave off his beard or a girl that wants to audition for American Idol.

Rule 4: You can play the saxophone, as long as you let  people do funny Film Noir references while they walk by.

Rule 5: A creepy balloon animal guy.

Judging by The Reuben Presses last trip to the Old Market, everyone is following the rules just fine.

Friday, July 12, 2013

Ask a Person Arrested Poll: If you could change one thing about Omaha, what would it be?

The Reuben Press Asked these people arrested: If you could change one thing about Omaha, what would it be? Here is what they said.

"I like Omaha for the most part. If I could change one thing, I would make prostitution legal. Girls got to eat!!!"

"I would make it Illegal for Idiots from the Paper Harassing us all the time while we are getting our pictures taken. Is  the question that important? They didn't get my good side. Can we take another one."

" The pot problem in Omaha.... I mean the Pot HOLE problem in Omaha."

"The youngster nowadays. They just get on my nerves. I mean really. They should have fun like me. They should go to Wal-Mart and steal a bunch of shit you don't need and keep it in their house along with everything else they have found over the years. Grow up and grow and huge pile of worthless crap in your living room. Then you will know you are living."

Ben Affleck Spotted on UNO Campus

News spread like wildfire that Oscar winner, Matt Damon was visiting the campus of UNL this week. Fearing that he would overshadowed by Damon, Ben Affleck was seen spotted early today on the campus of UNO. It is unknown why Affleck is on campus, but some question why he thinks he always has to one up his best friend, Damon. They also question why he would one up him by going to UNO.  Affleck seemed like he was in a good mood on campus, but some of the students didn't even know who he was.

"Argo? Isn't that stuff we trade," said some dumb jock on campus. He then started looking at the actor weird and yelling he last name 'Affleck' in the voice of a duck.

                                   It is rumored that Casey Affleck  will be on the campus of UNK next week.

Police chief: Omaha should be a safety scissors city.

Omaha Police Chief Todd Schmaderer says even though scissor accidents are up in the city, he said most people shouldn't worry because most of those incidents involved left handed people.

"It's true," said Schmaderer. "Most southpaws use regular scissor and they cut their hand. We have even noticed more left handed incidents in the police departments. We advise citizens not to worry. We are still a safe scissor city. Just if you left handed, then use those safety scissors or something."

This report comes out after criticism to the department. Earlier this year some Pruning Shears caught Omaha Police using excessive force on their cell phone camera. The video shows Omaha Police officers throwing scissors on the ground and kicking and stomping on them.  It is unknown if the officers that was involved with the excessive force were left handing. More information as the story unfolds.

Monday, July 8, 2013

Letter to the Editor/Letter from the Editor.

We got some feedback from a reader. We always enjoy feedback. Perri Pryor of Omaha, Ne writes, "Your blog sucks, spammer!" 

 Perri Pryor is a freelance writer based in Omaha, NE. He writes mostly articles about news, arts, video games, and entertainment. I am impressed with Pryor's resume and have read some of his articles. I am impressed with what I have read. Pryor has seen active duty in the Air Force and received major awards for his service. I thanks him and applaud him for his services. According to his Linkedin page, him and his wife even raise money for the MS walk. I thank him for his time to find a cure for an awful disease. Looks like he even made the Dean Lists at Lindenwood University. This is something I could of never done. So with all these causes and accomplishments, for all the time he spent fighting for our country and gaining higher education, Pryor still uses the word SUCKS. My blog isn't the greatest thing in the world. I don't have badges, medals or lists. Sometimes I make mistakes and even regrets. I am not perfect and will never claim to be. My blog is here to make people laugh and for a release for me and the reader. I will always stand by my blog and let people read it. They can complain or compliment if they want. What I will not do is tell some one they suck. Besides, I have more creative ways to tell someone that.

Thanks for your feedback Perri Pyror. Keep doing what you do best

The Reuben Press

Jean Stothert Really Takes It To Race

Seems the newly elected mayor of Omaha is popping up everywhere. Mayor Stothert was invited to the start an annual race over the holiday weekend.  Stothert was a little bit fuzzy about why she was there or what invite she was really at.

"When I heard race, I thought something completely different," said the Mayor. "I thought this would be some other kind of rally. That is why I brought my gun. I thought this was a rally for my 2nd amendment rights."

The runners at the race were surprised when the mayor wasn't making sense when she showed up.

"She started yelling something about race and greatest and then started waving the gun around," said David Johnson. "When she realized she was there to start the race, she calmed down and pointed the gun up and made the sound, bang bang. She didn't actually shoot it off she just said the words, bang bang.. So we kind of all looked at her weird and then took off. It was a great race!'

Sunday, July 7, 2013

Brenda Council Let Go As Casino Spokesperson

Harrah's Casino in Council Bluffs, had hired former Kaleidoscope panelist, Brenda Council, as the spokesperson for the newly remodeled casino. Before the reopening in June they let her go due to management decisions.

"We thought she would be a good fit at our Council Bluffs remodeling because she loves to gamble and her last name is Council. Perfect fit," said management. "I am not a big fan of politics, so I didn't know about her debts. I just knew her as the lady that put Lee Terry Sr. in his place. We apologize if this offended anyone for hiring and for firing her. Both seemed like good choices. Guess you can't always double down." 

Council wasn't available for comment but her bookie said, "She owes me money, and my dreams back. That is the last time Johnnie the Shark donates to a campaign."

Mayor Stothert Confused About Which City She Leads

Seems Mayor Jean Stothert is a little confused about the power of her office. Sources close to the mayor have told us that Stothert thought when she was elected that she was also the mayor of Bellevue, Papillion, La Vista, and Ralston.

"She said that she thought that was a extra bonus. like frequent flier miles or gas points," said a source close to the mayor. "She thought they were a part of Omaha. She had big plans for what she called South South Omaha."

We tried to contact each of the mayors in the different cities, but Stothert told all of them not to talk to the press. A written note to each of the mayors read: "Talk to the press and I will invade your city. Don't test me on this. I've played the game Monopoly"

Sources to the mayor told us, "I think she means Risk."

Friday, July 5, 2013

Man Harassing White Tiger At The Omaha Zoo.

A man that goes by the name Chinpipe, uploaded a video of himself harassing a white tiger at the Omaha Henry Doorly Zoo. The video starts with the words "North Omaha Shit False Teeth aka Big Chin Teasing a White Tiger Dn't Try This!!!"  So right away you know it is a classy video.  Then set to some tough street Enya Song, Mr. Chinpipe starts making fart noises and tries to tease the Tiger with his hand. His buddies look on while he is doing this. Then in his Coolio dreadlocks, he touches the Tiger and waves his hands like he don't care. By the way Mr Chinpipe, there is a letter o in the word don't. When ask why he was harassing the white tiger, he said, "Awww, man I am from the streets. Besides, I can't harass white people the police would be all over that shit. Have to harass white tiger instead. Off to the polar bears now. PEACE.

Here is the link to the video. http://www.omahapoa.com/video-shows-man-harassing-white-tiger-at-omaha-zoo/

If you know  Mr. Chinpipe or his buddies in this video than contact the Nebraska Humane Society (402-444-7800) or the Omaha Zoo (402-733-8401).

Thursday, July 4, 2013

A Hipster Describes an 80's Sitcom: This week 'Full House'

Every Thursday, A hipster will open a Pabst Blue Ribbon and try to describe an 80's sitcom. This weeks hipster is Karla Samson. She lives in midtown and will describe the show 'Full House'

Wow, this web series is really strange. Three guys living in the same house with three little girls in San Francesco. Sounds like my last five ex boyfriends, gay. So one is the father and one of them is the guy that sells that yogurt. Not the fart yogurt but the Greek kind. Then there is this Canadian guy the comes in and does weird voices. I would describe him as a generic Robin Williams. Then some girl with ponytails ... I am so going to put my hair up like that... she keeps calling people rude. How long was this show on? I am so into it. Ironically, of course.

Tuesday, July 2, 2013

Omaha Number 1 on list of Cities that Begin with Oma

Omaha is number 1 again. A list came out with cities that begin with Oma. After years of debate and countless votes, Omaha became number 1 on the list. Most are happy with the new status of a number 1 on the list.

"It is so suprising that we made it on the list," said Sally Jones. "I am proud to live in a city that begins with Oma. It's about time.!!!"

Some people are not happy and feel like it is just another list in a long line of lists.

"Oh great, now people are going to get a big head," said Kevin McGraw. "People are going to gloat about this. Like when we were number 1 for cities that end with Ha.

Turns out that the news was premature and read wrong. The real number 1 was the city, Omaha, Texas. Better luck next year.

Monday, July 1, 2013

Man Can't Tell the Difference Between Todd & Tyler

57 year old Justin Heitz, was listening to the Friday's radio program of Todd & Tyler, when he realized something important.  He was listening and he couldn't figure out the difference between Todd & Tyler.

"I couldn't tell the difference between Todd & Tyler," said Heitz. "I've been listening to them for you years and it just dawned on to me, which one is which. I mean they both sound like they smoke 10 packs a day and drink 5 bottle a whiskey. I really can't tell the difference."

Many people in Omaha are also having the same problem telling the difference. Scientist have come up with a term for this growing problem in Omaha. They call it Unshock Jock Schlock!

Exclusive Interview with Mayor Jean Stothert

The Reuben Press got an exclusive interview with Mayor Jean Stothert.  We talked about fires, police, lunch and the future of Omaha.

The Reuben Press: Congrats on becoming the first female mayor of Omaha.  How does that feel?

Mayor Stothert: Sometimes sticky, sometimes salty, but mostly sticky. I don't think of it in terms of male or female mayor. Most of the time I don't think about the position at all.

RP: What new changes should we see in your first year as mayor?

MS: Well, I do have this powder blue dress that I just bought. I think I might wear that when I fire the fire chief. Ha, fire the fire chief. I crack me up!

RP: I was thinking more on the lines of policies you promised to change during your campaign. Like repeal the restaurant tax and the LGBT ordinance?

MS: Yeah, um... I yeah, it is a really nice dress that goes well with my eyes. Don't you think I have nice eyes. Gladis, at my weekly Bunko game says she has better eyes then me. I don't think so Gladis. I am the mayor.

RP: Moving on, you talked about making changes to the fire and police department. What did you have in mind?

MS: Well first off,  I am the mayor. This is not the fire department's changes or the police department's changes, but the mayor's changes. So, I would like to see more rescuing of pets out of trees.  I think if we see a lot more of that, then the crime will just disappear. It makes sense in my brain so let's do it.

RP: Finally, what did you have for lunch today?

MS: Let's see. I swallowed my pride and a diet coke.

RP: Ok, thanks for having us.

MS: Thanks for agreeing with me. I hate it when the press is all mean and judge mcjudgie.