Sunday, June 30, 2013

Ask A Person Arrested Poll: What is the Best Place to get A Hamburger in Omaha?

The Reuben Press Asked these people arrested, What is the best place to get a hamburger in Omaha? Here is what they said.

"My bitchy girlfriend won't make me one. I guess that is what you get for dating a 13 year old.  I would have to say the McDonald's off of 42nd. I always by her a Happy Meal and she gets mad. She reminds me she is not in grade school anymore. They grow up so fast."

 "Taco Johns... Wait, Taco Bell.. I don't know! I am so high right now."

" Geaddrewwbbarr hgurgggrtwe ttooth leofiewa!'

"Any up all night diner. I like the up all night diners. I can grab a hamburger fast and go back home and take a tooth brush and clean my bathroom and then vacuum my floor and then polish my shoes and then grab another hamburger."

Tea Party Rally Goes Over Budget

Nebraska conservative leaders gathered in Omaha Saturday for a tea party rally. One of the keynote speakers was former State Treasurer Shane Osborn.

“This country has spent too much money for too long,” Osborn said.

After the speech, Osborn talked to the planner of the rally about some questions he had.

"These nuts look like they came from Whole Foods not Trader Joe's,'" said Osborn. "And this red table cloth better of been on clearance at Target or I will be mad.  What are these? Finger Sandwiches? I asked for Subway."

Seems the rally about not going into debt, might have gone over budget.

"What is this, bottled water?, " said Osborn "For something called Smart Water, you sure are dumb enough to not see that water fountain over there. I am so upset. We spent to much money on the rally. This means our children and grandchildren and our children's grandchildren are going to be paying for these gourmet cookies. No serious, why the hell should we pay for stuff. Let them when they are in their 20's. We are the Tea Party!"

Man Caught in Lie with Nebraska Humane Society

Last Week, a man walked into the Nebraska Humane Society telling them he found a dog in a trash bag at a car wash. Kenneth L. Harrison, 28, admitted on Saturday to investigators that he had fabricated the story. It took awhile for the Humane Society to prove the story was false. If you remember, Nebraska is the only state were if you don't want your pets, you can just drop them off at a car wash.  This law gained national attention when many people were driving from other states to drop off their pets to car washes. Last summer a cockatoo named Crackers was dropped off at a Russell Speeder's Car Wash and a turtle named Turtle was dropped off ironically at a Shell Station Car Wash.

Thursday, June 27, 2013

Stothert: Fire and City Budget Not A Joke

Mayor Jean Stothert broke her silence today in regards to the Omaha Fire Fighter's budget.  This after a day of closed meetings with Fire Chef, Mike McDonnell.

"This is not a joke," said Stothert. "But this is.... What do you get when you cross an elephant with a Fish? Swimming trunks."

The mayor was also not impressed on how McDonnell handled her request for information.

"This isn't a circus," she said. "If he would of brought the information in while wearing a top hat while crossing a tightrope on a unicycle and juggling fire, than I would of like that better. I mean I love circuses. The smell of popcorn. The trapeze artist.Though clowns freak me out. Sort of like mirrors into our soul. I do like balloon animals. Oh, and the tigers. How I love the tigers. The circus rocks!"

A Hipster Describes an 80's Sitcom

Every Thursday, A hipster will open a Pabst Blue Ribbon and try to describe an 80's sitcom. This weeks hipster is Tyler Zimmerman. He lives in Benson and will describe the 80's sitcom, 'Benson'

"So I guess there was this dude named, Benson. He use to be the butler for that old lady on 'The Tony Danza Boss Show' and the Will Smith of Fresh Air.  So he moves away and becomes some kind of personal assistant to some guy running for Mayor or some junk. Benson is like old and cranky and I think he is played by Denzel's dad or something. Anyway, I couldn't hear most of the show over me playing the bongo drums, but there is this swedish chef I can't understand and a gay guy with a creepy mustache. I guess it was o.k., but there were people laughing the whole time. I don't get that. Anyway, I am over it. See you."

Wednesday, June 26, 2013

Fire Chief Mike McDonnell Not Singer Michael McDonald

Current Fire Chief, Mike McDonnell hates being confused with singer Michael McDonald. McDonnell gets it all the time.

"People come to me all the time and start singing 'Talking it to the Street'. I don't even like that song," said McDonnell. I don't know why people get us confused. I go by Mike, he goes by Michael. I am clean shaven, he has a greasy beard. I like The Eagles, and .... yeah, we are both a little lame.

The singer isn't the only thing that people get him confused with.

"Some people ask me where my farm is," said McDonnell. "No, I don't have a farm, I wasn't in the Doobie Brothers, and I don't have flaming red hair and hock hamburgers to fat kids."

Jean Stothert would not respond for this article.

Stothert Has A Huge Hose

Mayor, Jean Stothert told her neighbor today that she thinks that she has a bigger hose then him.

"I could tell I had a bigger hose than him,'' said Stothert. "Besides, he has one of those Pocket Hoses. It might take up less space, but there is no way that thing can put out a fire. 

 She came to the hose conclusion when she gave a list of things her neighbor needs to do different in their west Omaha neighborhood. The letter reads:

* A list of how many times you mow your lawn and roughly what time you do.

* A list of all the sprinklers you have and where they are in your lawn.

* No cutting your trees without approval by the Mayor.

* No talking to the press without approval by the Mayor.

*  List of how many pets, children, and wives your really have in your house.

*  No borrowing internet from SEXYMAYORBIGHEAD.

Tuesday, June 25, 2013

Ask A Person Arrested Poll: What is your favorite part of Summers in Omaha?

The Reuben Press Asked these people arrested, What is your favorite part of Summers in Omaha? Here is what they said.

"I would have to say Scalping tickets for the CWS, but if you were a
lawyer I would say talking night walks and crossing the street correctly"

"Well this Summer it was meeting my favorite Weather man, Jim Flowers. You know, they guy they are booking right over there. HI JIM!. What a nice guys and he gives good mustache rides." 

"Shopping.... I love Shopping... I just love it so much. Sometimes when I am shopping, I don't even pay for the item that I am shopping for. That is how much I love shopping!"

"Eating Lemons!"

Monday, June 24, 2013

Fireworks Stands Popping Up in Strange Places

Those tents that you see in those parking spaces are the Fireworks stands getting ready for business in the Metro Area.  They keep popping up in more and more spaces each year.

"They remind me of CVS Pharmacies," said 21 year old Sarah Plain, "you know, in the worst spots and looking like trashy Walgreens. Which I thought were just well, Walgreens"

Looks like some people are noticing the same thing.

"They Keep popping up everywhere," said 32 year old Brian Jones, "I found one the other day off of 72 and Dodge at The Target Mall. I even found one in my bedroom. Wait, that was just me and my wife.... Boom. You got served."

Have a Safe 4th of July from The Reuben Press

Check out these Picture From Monday's Storm

Monday's storm brought huge wind and rain to the Metro Area. Here are some Photos of the damage it left behind.

Festival called 'Festival Festival' Coming to Omaha

Did you miss The Summer Arts Festival this year? Were you out of town for the Taste of Omaha? Did you forget about all 72 Festivals that are in Omaha this Summer? Have no fear!!! A new Festival is coming to Omaha. This one is called 'Festival Festival'. It takes the stuff you missed and liked from all of the Festivals throughout the year and puts it in one big Mega Festival. So if you miss this Festival that has all the Festival combined, then you are a bad planner and we can not help you there. Maybe they will bring in 'Festival Festival the Festival' next year for you procrastinators, but I doubt it.

Suttle to Blame for Monday's Storm

A crazy wind and rain storm came through Omaha this Monday morning causing trees and power to go down.  The thing that was stronger than the winds was what some people thought caused the storm. Many people were blaming former Mayor Jim Suttle for the event. Some not even remembering he was longer our Mayor.

"I blame Mayor Jim Suttle for my lights not being on," said 40 year old Ryan Douglas. "As Mayor, he should of know when a crazy wind that lasts two minutes is going to rip through the city." When told that he is no longer in office Douglas said, "Yeah, right...tell that to my taxes."

87 year old Edna Harriet also blamed Suttle saying, "He caused the storm he should come out and clean up my fallen tree." When told that her tree is younger than her and that Suttle is not the Mayor anymore, she replied, "Well I still blame him for this and my arthritis."

Sunday, June 23, 2013

City Employees Play Game "Stothert Says"

Since Mayor Jean Stothert has taken office, the City Employees have found fun and challenging ways to make their days go by. One of those ways is playing the game they Call "Stothert Says". The game rules are simple. If Jean tells you do something, you do it. For example, If Mayor Stothert tells you not to talk to the media about police matters, you shut the hell up. Good for you, 10 points. Earn 250 points in a week and get a free letter opener. Earn 500 points in a week and you become a slave to the Mayor. For a full list of rules, just listen to Jean talk. Rules are subject to change if she doesn't agree with you.

Man Finds Hy-Vee Employee Frowning Down Aisle

72 year old Herbert Ross was shopping at the Hy-Vee off of 50th and Center last Sunday, when he noticed something he shouldn't of seen.  He saw an employee frowning down the bread aisle. "The pimple faced kid, who we will call Ronnie, was having a bad day" , said Ross. "I tried to cheer him up with a quick two step and an off color joke, but that didn't seem to work."

Ross then quickly got his favorite type of Bran Flakes and decided to check out. When he got to the check out line, not only was it an hour later, but he said that the teenage cashier was not smiling either. He couldn't believe it. What were they teaching these kids?  He then tried to pull a quarter out of her ear, but the girl screamed 'Rape' and Ross's dentures fell out.

Jim Flowers Dew Point Sounds Dirty

Even though weather man Jim Flowers in back on the air at KMTV Action 3 News, some people still can't get the rumors of him caught in a prostitution ring out of their minds.

 Barb Coleman was watching his Forecast last Sunday, when she couldn't stop giggling like a seven year old boy. "He kept saying to check his 'Dew Point'," she said. "I couldn't stop laughing. Then I really lost it when he said there was a 'Cold Front Coming In From the North"

Coleman isn't the only one who can't stop laughing. Chuck Sanderson of Elkhorn told The Reuben Press that he can barely make it through an entire minute of Flowers on screen. "It starts with that huge Flower he wears. Then I hear him click that clicker and he says 'Looks like A Heat Wave will Hit Omaha This Weekend' and I am crying until Craig Nigrelli comes on. Then I just get depressed again. 

Q 98.5 to Play Mumford & Sons for the 985,985 time

On Monday, June 24, 2013, the Omaha Radio Station, Q 98.5 will play The Mumford & Sons song, I Will Wait, for the 985,985 time . If you are caller 98 you will not get any prize , but you will get the title of "Banjo Head." They might even be a plaque that has that name on it. For those of you that have not listened to the radio for a long time, Q 98.5 use to be the home of Rocket in the Morning and Sweet 98.  Years ago, they changed their format to "Modern Hit Music". The Cue to call in is when they Play the song between Pearl Jam song, Jeremy and the Nirvana song, Smells Like Teen Spirit. This is "Modern Hit" music after all.

Omaha Mayor "Bi" Partison?

Mayor Jean Stothert was a key note speaker at this years Heartland Gay Pride. This came a shock to some people who only know the Mayor at the mean lady that voted against including gays and lesbians in the city's anti-discrimination ordinances. She instead favored a resolution calling for inclusive workplaces.

The Mayor was met with great cheers during her speech, when she named the day “Heartland Pride Festival Day”. She then was met with confusion when she said, "I just ordered some Kung Pao Chicken, but they forgot my egg roll.  Does anyone have an extra one?"

Here at The Reuben Press, we have obtained lines that were taking out of the Mayors speech. They include: "You all look fierce today!" , "Thanks for having me at Pride, Bitches" and "Oh, this is what Downtown Omaha looks like?"

The "King" of the Orpheum

This week marks the "Straight" 32 weeks that The Lion King was shown on the Orpheum Stage in Omaha.  This week starts the extended run of the extended run of the held over extended run of performances. 
"Movies make great musicals," says Karla Steinberg. "I love the face paints on the actors and I love when Mufasa yells, Oh yawgobayabayabayobawwwww!"
The performers have been here so long that they hang out after shows at "The Encore" bar across the Street.  Some Cast members have been seen going into the bars, but not coming out. Understudies have been questioned in between acts.

Mayor Stothert Spills Beans about Dresses

Mayor Stothert released a press release on Tuesday, June 18 on the "closings" of the speculation of were she buys her dresses.  It seems the Mayor gets her power dresses in the West Omaha locations of Coldwater Creek, Ann Taylor, and when she is trying to cut her budget, T.J. Maxx.  Her favorite color of dresses are powder blue, republican red, and how-could-you green.  The dress she wears the most is from the designer, Mitchels MacConnel. It is an original design that is an easy fit stretch cotton and unique spill proof fabric. If you spill tea on it during the election, it disappears once you take office.