Monday, August 5, 2013

Stothert Babe: Hero in the City

Mayor Jean Stothert saved a pig's life today. Stothert said the pig was crossing the street when she saved it from getting hit.

"I was driving in downtown Omaha," said the mayor, "When I saw the pig crossing 90th street. I ran over there in my pumps and picked him up in my arms."

When told that 90th street is not downtown Omaha, Stothert said, "I saved a pig. I am a hero. That means something. I'll kiss this pig if it means I will get another term as mayor. Where is my lip gloss? Someone hand me my damn lip gloss."

The organization, PETA has applauded the mayor for her work. When asked about it the mayor said, "BETA? I don't even own a VHS. I am blue ray chick. Great, now I am going to home and watch Babe: Pig in the City. Huge James Cromwell Fan."

Tuesday, July 30, 2013

Ask a Person Arrested Poll: What is your favorite area of Omaha?

The Reuben Press Asked these people arrested:What if your favorite area of Omaha?  Here is what they said?

"The Old Market. I like to eat at Spaghetti Works, stroll around the blocks, make fun of the street performers, and shank the bitch that was sleeping with my man. She hangs out Scooters/FNBO bank. Bitch steal WiFi like she does men."

"West Omaha!!!"

"I like Midtown Crossing. I love all the shops. There are a lot of young people that work there, so it is so easy to put a cashmere scarf in your purse. Then I wash it down by swallowing my pride and some Chick-Fa-La."

"I play Bongo Drums on this Balcony off of 29th and Jackson. I so piss of these guys that think they are so cool. I like to smoke pot!"

Monday, July 29, 2013

City Councilman Uses City Budget as Booster

Not everyone on the City Council can take a tall order. Some need a little boost in help. City Councilman, Ben Gray divulged his secret that he uses copies of Jean Stothert's city Budget as a booster seat.

"I sit on two copies," said Gray "Councilman, Chris Jerram gave me his. He said there wasn't enough pictures this year. He is right. One year, Suttle gave us the budget in form of a pop up book. I just put them on my chair and sit on them. It is kind of like when I was younger and sat on the Sears and Roebuck catalogs."

City Councilwoman, Aimee Melton said, "What's a catalog?"

Thursday, July 25, 2013

Fire Station Budget Cuts

                         Here is what The Mayor's Fire Station Budget Cuts looked like today.

Man Confused about Spearmint Rhino

Brian Jones was confused the other day about the Gentleman's Club in Carter Lake called, Spearmint Rhino.

"I kept seeing billboards promoting something called, Spearmint Rhino," said Jones. "Forever, I thought that was a flavor of gum. Chew Spearmint Rhino after meals!!! I didn't know it was a Gentleman's Club. Now that I know what is, I feel like a fool. I guess it still could be gum. It would just leave a bad taste in you mouth. Like stripper glitter and shame. Oh, well!"

Tuesday, July 23, 2013

Breaking News: Photo of Little Girl in Ambulance Emailed to Mayor

                                                             BREAKING NEWS

A photo of a little girl wearing a mask while sitting in a ambulance was emailed to the mayor and news outlets. It is unclear why the girl was in the truck or where she got the mask. The only thing we know is the mayor's office and news outlets should blow this story out of proportion. More news when they do.

Conspiracy Theories on HOT Fire Station Pic

Over the last couple of days, a picture of a woman posing on fire trucks and with firemen has raised local eyebrows. An investigation is underway on why the woman would be in the fire station. Some have some conspiracy theories on why.

"I have a couple of theories on why the woman was at the fire station," said Carl Jerkins "One of my theories is that she thought Jim Flowers was the new fire chief. This could be true because she looks like a hooker."

Many don't think that theory has any traction and believe something else could be the cause.

Local conspiracy theory nut, Scott Chris said, "Woman were at the fire station all the time when Jim Suttle was in office. Where do you think the money from the restaurant tax went to? Cheep women and fast drugs. Shame how our tax dollars are being used."

There is one last theory that is making the rounds.

"It just can't be true," said George Burton "I heard that mayor Jean Stothert sent the woman there to set up the fire chief. This just can't be true. I need to know the truth. It is out there.

When asked if the last theory was right Stothert said. "Why would my friend's daughter, Brandy be at the fire station..... I mean, I have no idea who she is. We will found out why Brandy... I mean why the woman was there."